There is a lot here that is left unexplained on purpose, but much more was accidental because I focused on making the story longer with each draft, rather than fleshing it out. Once I get the full plot in place, I’ll definitely be bringing on the details.

Thanks for the comments!

You may never continue it, but it does feel as though there’s a bigger story here. Maybe a screenplay or script, or a novel. It sort of feels as though there is too much unexplained, though it could be my inexperience with the genre and that a more astute person would not feel this way.

Really great details in the story and good dialogue as well. I think it would be interesting to see where you could go with this story, fleshing it out but also making it a longer story.

I guess I can understand that when they receive 500 “literary” submissions and then this thing comes in. I, personally, would be relieved to see one writer stepping out of the norm with their submissions. It would be a break from the monotony at least.

Unfortunately, for some reason, I read part 2 first, not seeing part 1. DUH. I was totally confused, of course, but part 1 does explain somewhat. I’m still not totally clear on what’s going on, but so far the writing shows strong setting and quite good attention to detail. Love the names of the characters, too!

There’re some things I would edit to tighten up the writing, for example, in part one, where you have the sentence describing the hotel lobby as almost gaudy. I’d take that right out (telling us) and use your following description to simply show us. I think, too, that you could take out phrases of self-talk, like the one in part one, driving dude (was it Eros?) says something like well, he wanted the drive to be over fifteen minutes. And here in part two, where Rosie says something about what kind of girl Thor thinks she is, you could say she muttered, but leave out anything that seems for our benefit (we’ll get it through her actions or whatever), and the “she said to herself.

Again, so far this is intriguing and I can’t wait till you post more! I’d like to read it all in one shot.

Thanks for the great suggestions. I’ll be making another pass at this shortly and will definitely try them out.